Eddy smiled feeling David's head on his shoulder. He'd never been as content as this in his whole life. To rest here for a few moments longer is enough, he thought, to die for. He grabbed David and they kissed.
"I love you." He said softly, peering into David's gray eyes.
"And I love you." David replied. "I can't imagine being without you."
Eddy played with David's light brown hair. The setting sun played out all the highlights in David's hair and remade the living room into a forest of shadows. "Don't be so melodramatic." He finally said. They both smiled.
"But that's how I feel."
They kissed again and began to undress each other slowly. Since Eddy's parents were away for the weekend, they had the whole house to themselves. There was no need to hide in his bedroom with the stereo blasting. He could live without fear or deception for two days. Fear and deception hung over their relationship. Sometimes Eddy found it fun like a game of hide and seek. Mostly it was suffocating, especially when he had to smoother his feelings under layers of double talk and lies.
This had gone on for months now. They knew the drill. Eddy didn't deviate from normality, except in the bedroom -- or now in the house. He didn't do the stereotypical things gays did, such as act like a girl or wear an earring.
Hours later, exhausted, they fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Eddy woke in the middle of the night, comforted by feeling David's head resting on his chest. The moon threw rays across them hiding more than it revealed. They still had the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday to themselves. Eddy's parents were on their occasional trip to Atlantic City. It provided him and David with a chance, every few months, to live freely. He sighed and dozed off again.
Saturday found them swimming and barbecuing chicken and burgers. They even went hiking for a few hours in the hills nearby, enjoying the bright sun and open air. They spent the evening talking and lovemaking. They drifted off into sleep on the living room floor on a thick quilt that was in his family for years. He needed that last intense night before pulling the blanket over his hidden love again.
Asleep nude in each other's arms was how Eddy's parents found them. They had come home early from Atlantic City, having lost too much money on Saturday night. His mother screamed and his father pulled David off him. Before either knew what was going on, Eddy's father, John, had thrown David on the couch and slapped Eddy. His mother grabbed her husband, begging him to stop.
"You bastard!" John yelled red-faced at David. "Get out of my house! And you faggot" -- he faced Eddy -- "get out of my sight!"
"I'm sorry." Eddy cowered mouse like. He didn't want to see his father cry.
Eddy's mother draped him with her jacket. David ran up to Eddy's bedroom jumping into his pants as tears dripped down his cheeks. Eddy came in, not looking at him. He fell on his bed face-down, sobbing. David touched his shoulder. Eddy brushed him off.
"Please call me later." David said between tears. "Please."
"Leave me." Eddy answered not moving.
* * * * * * * *
"It's not his fault." John said to his wife. He was tall and trim with sandy blonde hair cut close to his head -- good looking for his forty years. He didn't smoke or drink. He tried to be a good example for his son. "It's Davey. I should have known he was a faggot. I've never seen him with a girlfriend."
Ann looked at him, wondering why this had happened to them. Where had they gone wrong? Did they baby Eddy too much or were they too strict? "Honey, we need to talk this over with Eddy."
"I can't talk to him! I can't even look at him. He's my only son! Our only son! How could he do this to us?"
"I don't know!" She shouted back.
John clutched her long blonde hair, aware at once she was a woman -- delicate and sensitive. He had to be level-headed now. How could my son want to sleep with a man, he wondered. The thought chilled him. He'd always hoped to be proud of his son and to have many grandchildren. The image of his son naked with his arm around Davey burst forth upon him.
"I know one thing. Davey is not allowed next to my son. That little pervert can find some other family to corrupt." John announced. There is still hope for Eddy, he thought.
* * * * * * * *
A few hours passed. Eddy stayed in his room. He kept his door closed and locked, hoping his mother and father would leave him alone. He felt, childish as it might sound, that if he was quiet enough they might forget what happened. After a while he began to believe it didn't happen. Maybe it was all a dream and he would wake up and tell David. They would both laugh!
As the day faded, there was a gentle tapping on his door. At first, he pretended not to hear it, then his mother called his name. He opened the door. They didn't face each other. "Dinner is almost ready." She told him.
"Okay." He said as if he was merely civil things would work out.
He went downstairs to see his father watching some sports show with guys bicycling downhill. His father did not say a word or do anything to acknowledge him as he went into the kitchen.
His mother put the roast, potatoes and broccoli on the table. Eddy helped her. Still, no one spoke. They sat down as John came to the table.
"Please pass me the potatoes." John said.
Ann was about to do so when Eddy passed them to his father, his gaze fixed on his father. "Thank you." John said mechanically not looking at his son. Eddy began to sob weakly.
"Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He said.
"Well, you did. You hurt your mother too." Eddy turned to his mother. She was tight-lipped, but he knew she wanted to say something to make everything better. Silence reigned for the rest of the meal.
* * * * * * * *
David ran up to Eddy. "Are you all right?" He asked.
Eddy looked away. "No." He couldn't face David.
"It was bound to happen sooner or later." David touched his hand and they walked along to class. Eddy brushed it off.
"Not here. I can't talk now."
"But we need to. How about during lunch?"
"I have to finish my chemistry lab at lunch time."
"Okay, how about after that."
"No, I can't."
"Eddy, don't put this off too long."
Eddy looked at him with a mock smile, his short yellow hair outlining him like an angel. "I won't. I need some time." He wanted to cry, to drag David to some private place and just hold him. He checked himself.
"Thank you. Whatever happens, I still love you." David told him with a slight smile.
"Yeah. Good bye."
"Bye." Eddy went into the chemistry building. He didn't like lying to David. David had always been his partner in deception. He had always been truthful to David. Yet it was easy to lie. He thought he would break down and hug David when he saw him, but it was easy to shut off feelings. His throat went cold and dry when he did, but it worked. That was the important thing.
Eddy kept putting off spending any time with David. Trying to understand the properties of acids or writing a paper in Italian pushed out any thoughts of romance. When he found his mind tumbling back to that Sunday, he quickly thought of his studies or stared out the window. It didn't feel good to do this, but it didn't exactly feel bad either. It numbed him, but he couldn't face the alternative.
* * * * * * * *
"Eddy, I have to see you. It's been two whole weeks!" David put his face right in Eddy's.
"It has? I've got to run. I have to attend a lecture on chemistry in ten minutes." Eddy told him, walking around him. Raindrops dotted the walkway. David followed him.
"You're getting wet." Eddy observed, but his umbrella was small. "Get under here."
"So, you still do care about me."
"Yes."
"Then we have to work this thing out. Please."
Eddy stopped and turned to him. "Not now. I need more time."
"You don't have to lie to me."
"What?"
"There is no chemistry lecture today. I checked."
"I forgot, but I still have to study."
"Nobody does that much studying!"
"Don't make a scene."
"Isn't our relationship important enough for a scene?"
"Okay, okay. We'll talk. Let's go to the cafeteria."
They got a table far away from everyone else. Eddy got two soft drinks and a large order of fries, which they shared.
"How did your parents take it?" David asked between sips.
"You were there for the exciting part."
"Yes, I was. I was sore for a week. Your father is stronger than he looks."
Eddy chuckled. "Yes.... I've never seen him so angry. Not even the time I was suspended for fighting in fifth grade."
"Or the time you were caught shoplifting with me in seventh grade?" David offered.
"Don't remind me. That was the only other time he ever hit me that hard."
"How is he now?"
"Well, he's not the same with me. I'm not allowed to see you or have you over."
"We shouldn't be surprised at that!" He smiled as he said this. "So, when can I see you?"
"I don't know. This whole thing is complicated."
"Eddy, what are you telling me? I'm in love with you. Don't you love me?"
When Eddy didn't answer, David leaned over the table and said: "I want to be with you. Don't you want to be with me?" Eddy stared out the window. He watched the light duel with the clouds to seize the lawn outside. "Well!?!"
"Don't yell at me!"
"Don't yell? What do you mean? Do you love me? If you do, you understand how I feel."
Eddy squeezed his eyes shut, then he dragged his glance from his hands to the table and finally to David. "David, I love you, but I can't hurt my family."
"I think it's a little too late for that now. We're all hurt. Let's move on. Your parents have to face the facts. You're gay and I'm your boyfriend."
"It's not that simple. It wasn't your mother and father that caught us. I'm their only son. They wanted me to get married and have kids."
"They want that, but do you?"
"No, I don't, but I can at least meet them halfway."
"What do you mean halfway?"
Eddy stood up for a moment feeling a heavy weight inside his chest. He scanned the glistening grass outside, searching for something to shore himself up.
"I don't want to flaunt it in front of them." He fell back into his seat.
"But they have to face the facts. I'm tired of living like this. If I have to come out of the closet to be with you, I will."
"Don't do that! Do you want everyone to know? I'll lose my family and friends."
"If they abandon you because of what you are, maybe it isn't such a big loss."
"That's easy for you to say. Your mother and father didn't catch us."
"Eddy, I don't care what my step-father thinks and I told my mother what happened. She was not exactly happy, but she understands."
"Does she know about us?"
"Yes, I told her everything. Don't turn red. I had to tell someone."
"This is coming apart too fast."
"I trust her. It's not like I'm wearing a sign on my head. I want you enough to go through any pain in coming out."
"David, don't put things that way!"
"What way?"
"That either I love you and have to come out or I don't love you and want to keep this in." Eddy sat back as he said this staring directly into David's eyes.
"I didn't mean that!" He leaned forward and touched Eddy's hand. "I don't want to see what was -- what is! between us fade. I know you love me, but you're afraid. I know you love your Mom and Dad too. I don't want you to choose between them and me, but you have to choose between what they want and what you want. You know the Hendrix tune. 'When it comes time for me to die...'"
"'I'm the one that's gotta' do the dyin'.' You make it sound simple."
"It's not like that." David looked away. He rolled his shirt sleeves up and down again. "It's just that you can't run away from it. We have something special together. If you still want that, please tell me now. Or I'll -- I'll leave."
The clock on the cafeteria wall ticked away as Eddy sunk his face on his folded arms. He wanted David, but he didn't want everything that went along with that. Why do things have to be this way, he almost shouted. He heard David get up as if to leave. He lifted his head and pleaded, "Wait." David stopped.
"Why?"
"Because I still want you. I need you. I'm sorry, it's not easy."
David sat back down. "I know. Nothing good is easy."
"I want to see you tonight."
"That's going to be hard if your father has anything to do with it."
"I'll sneak out."
"You're an adult. Can't you just tell you parents the truth? Aren't you sick of hiding everything?"
"No! I mean, yes, I am, but I can't. I'm not as strong as you are."
"Whatever." David said getting up again to leave.
"No, I'll sneak out. Please, I can't go on like this. I feel so empty when you're not with me. I can't stand it." He raised his voice as each word spilled out. People on the other side of the cafeteria turned to watch.
"Now who's making a scene?" David smirked. "Okay, sneak out. I'll meet you at eight at the Ford Diner."
"Eight at the Ford." Eddy got up and shook David's hand. He wanted to hug him, but knew he couldn't. "I love you. Just give me time. It will work out."
"I know." David glanced at his watch. "Damn, I'm going to be late if I don't run. Tonight at eight." Outside, the rain had stopped and the sun edged it's way past the clouds. The air smelled good.
* * * * * * * *
The Ford was a stopover. David bought two coffees to go and they left. He wore a tee shirt and jeans, as did Eddy. To others, they seemed to be two young men who were merely friends.
"I'm glad you came." David said.
"Me too. I'm sorry for being such a jerk. I wish that day never happened." Eddy answered as they walked past the shops, most of which were closed.
"We can't go back -- and you're not a jerk. You were in pain."
"I still am. What about you?"
"Well, if you are in pain, so am I." They laughed. It was the first genuine laugh they had together since that Sunday. They enjoyed the next few hours talking and caressing each other in the park. Eddy was a little afraid -- afraid of some passer by noticing their intimacy, but his desire eclipsed his fear.
* * * * * * * *
"Where were you last night?" John asked his son at the dinner table.
"I went out." Eddy answered dryly. Suddenly, his timidity resurged. He felt like a rope being pulled to the breaking point. Heat welled up in his chest.
"Where did you go?"
"Downtown."
"What did you do?"
"Just walked around."
"By yourself?"
He didn't answer. He didn't want to answer. The rope was now so tight he knew it would snap.
"You were with Davey, weren't you?"
"John, stop. He's nineteen. He can choose his own friends." His mother stated.
"Ann, Davey is not his friend. He's a little pervert."
"He is not! I'm in love with him! Can't you see that!?!" Eddy yelled jumping up.
"Shut up!" His father said getting out of his chair. "And sit down!" He grabbed Eddy and tried to push him down into his chair. Eddy pushed John back. John swung at him, missed and fell over. Eddy immediately reached down to help his father.
"Get away from me. You're not -- you're not my son!" He screamed. Eddy ran from the room.
"See what you've done! You're acting just like _your_ father!" Ann said to John and ran after her son. "Eddy, he didn't mean what he said." She climbed the stairs to Eddy's bedroom. He was packing his gym bag with clothes.
"Eddy, your father loves you. He didn't mean what he said." She touched his shoulder, which felt taught under he fingers. "Don't do anything stupid."
"Mom, I can't hide what I am anymore. I love David. There's no one else in the world who makes me feel happy like he does." He kept stuffing clothes into his gym bag. "I need to be away from Dad."
"Why are you packing? Where will you go?" She asked.
"Out." He answered ignoring her concern.
"Eddy, don't go. I'll calm your father down. Give him a few hours."
"I can't. Mother, he tried to hit me again. Am I supposed to be his punching bag because he can't accept what I am?"
"Think of how he feels." She said standing in front of him. "He wants only the best for you. He loves you. I love you. Don't go."
"I have to go. At least for a few days. I'll be in touch. We just need some time away from each other to cool off."
* * * * * * * *
"You can stay here. I'll talk to my mother." David said, happy to see Eddy, but uncomfortable with this. He didn't want to relish the strife which brought Eddy to his door.
Eddy smiled. "Would you have turned me down?"
"Not for the world."
Later, David talked to his mother. She agreed to let Eddy stay with them for a few days, until the storm passed. Eddy and David were both amazed with how accepting she was. She offered to put Eddy up in their spare room, but didn't make an issue out of it. Eddy felt he should stay there, but David protested, saying they are all adults and there's no need for secrecy.
Eddy phoned his mother to let her know where he was and how things were going. About a week went by before she visited. She had her hair up, looking young yet serious.
"Are you really happy here?" She asked her son when David and David's mother left them alone.
"Not completely. I wish Dad could accept me. I want him to be a part of my life, but he has to accept what I am and who I love." Eddy tried to pack as much of his feelings into words as he could. He felt cold saying this. It felt rehearsed, as if he were reading from a script, but he knew it was all true.
"He will eventually."
"He has to, Mom."
"I know. I'm not happy with what has happened, but if this makes you happy, then I'm willing to live with it." She moved closer to Eddy and touched her face with her hand. The simplicity of the gesture and the softness of her skin made him relax more. "The house seems so empty without you. Your father is always grim, watching TV or reading the paper or yelling about something."
A tear rolled down his cheek. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I would have kept this secret if it was possible. I -- I -- I wish we could just be like we were before." He saw his mother looking intently at him. Perhaps I was wrong, he thought. Maybe it would be better to confront Dad. He wanted to, but thought it would only result in another fight.
* * * * * * * *
"Eddy loves you. He didn't mean to make you angry or sad." Ann told her husband. She had just told him of her visit, of how Eddy was, and her talk with him. "No matter what he is, he's still your son. Don't treat him like a stranger or a plaything."
"So, you're on his side. Can't you see what he's become? Ann, there's only so much I can take."
"You're treating him just like your father treated you! You never forgave your father when he did that to you. Do you want it to be the same way with Eddy?"
"I can forgive some things, but not this." John said holding his hands back. He wanted to turn over the table, he felt so frustrated. But what would that accomplish, he thought. He didn't like being violent. He didn't like the image forever in his mind of hitting Eddy.
"I'm not asking for you to forgive me. I just want you to accept me even if you don't like it -- to love me, even if you can't love everything about me." Eddy said stepping into the kitchen.
"What are you doing here!?!" John was so confused he almost lost his grip.
"I came to get some of my things -- if you don't mind."
John glared, but lost his sternness. He knew he wanted to touch his son, to protect him from this thing he was. But I can't give in, he thought. Eddy has gone too far. You expect boys to be bad, but for Eddy to do what he did, that was beyond forgiveness or even understanding.
Ann guided her son from the room, staying between him and his father. She didn't want to see another fight. If she could just keep them apart for a little while, she hoped, sanity would win out.
Alone in the kitchen, John wrestled with his anger and revulsion. He hated what he had become. He blamed David and his son for this. Of course, he weighed in more for the former than the latter, as parents often do. He rocked back and forth, trying to find some words to say or deeds to do. Something that would change the situation. He tried to think what his father would have done in this mess. His father always chopped him down.
"I want to go to college." Bright-eyed he said to his father.
"You'll never succeed. That's too tough for you and costs too much money." His father said punching him in the shoulder. His father always had some word of discouragement. He showed him. He may not have been in the top ten of the class, but he did well in school and earned his degree. How many tough guys from the old neighborhood could boast that?
He didn't want his son to suffer either. He want him to be more, to follow his dream. But was the dream was a good one, he wondered. Maybe not, but then he saw his father still owned a piece of him. A piece of him he no longer wanted him to own. He got up and pushed himself up the steps.
"John, don't hit him!" Ann screamed when John burst into the room. Eddy backed onto his bed, ready to defend himself but not wanting to.
"Ann, leave the room. I want to talk to Eddy alone." He said, motioning her to leave. He closed the door and kept his back to Eddy.
"This is very hard for me." He said keeping his hands on the door. He felt as if he did face Eddy, the room would start spinning and it wouldn't stop. Eddy was quiet, trying to avoid another fight. "It's not easy to find out your son is a homosexual."
"I know."
"No, you don't know. You haven't raised someone from birth and wanted only the best for him. You don't know what it's like to want to see him do great things, to become someone, to be happy."
"But I can't be happy without being what I am: gay."
"I know. That's why it's so hard. It's hard to want someone you love to do something that he can't do. Grand pop wanted me to become a mechanic just like him. When I went away to school, we didn't talk for years. We didn't talk again until after I married your mother." He turned around and looked into Eddy's eyes. "We were never the same after that. Even after you were born and we visited him more often. A wall came between us." He sat on the bed. "I felt so bad when he died that we were never really friends, that I had abandoned him."
"But you had to do what you did, even if it hurt him."
"It did hurt him!" John shouted. "But it shouldn't have. He should've accepted the fact that I didn't want to be a grease monkey, to hang out in go-go bars and to vote Democrat."
"Does this mean you'll accept me?"
"If I could flip some switch and make you normal, I would. But I can't and I can't hate you." He pulled Eddy to him and held him. A street lamp flicked on in the cloudless night outside. "And I want you to be part of this family. I want you to be happy too. I don't ever want to hurt you again. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."
"So am I. I am what I am and I want to be with you and Mom. I also want to be with David. I'm in love and I won't give him up."
"I know. It's okay. I don't like it, but if it makes you happy -- truly happy -- it can't be wrong."